Familiar Faces
Familiarity is a gift. One that is so easily overlooked.
I ran into a friend at the grocery store, we hugged after not seeing each other over the pandemic. It felt good. I ran into another friend at a festival, hugged her so tightly for I have missed her and our visits over coffee and long chats. I was thankful for Facebook at that moment for I could congratulate her on all her accomplishments as I stayed apprised of all of them on social media. I met a friend I had only known on social media in person and got to hug her. All these encounters were a share of energies, a connection made. At some point in my past, I had been establishing these links to the world around me. I was happy I was hypomanic when these interactions took place. See, I was in the ‘good’ hypomanic state. I enjoyed company and was social and excitable. I capitalized on a situation in my brain.
I think most with bipolar can agree that there are these creative, productive, euphoric states that are enjoyable. Not sustainable, just enjoyable in the moment. A crash is eminent in most cases and I know this from experience, excuse me, experiences. These recent interactions got me thinking. At first, I was feeling frustrated, wanting to be able to interact with the world in that ‘good’ hypomanic state, I would have more friends, life would be that much more fulfilling. Social interactions are a significant part of life, but I find myself more often than not, faking it till I made it. Cycles of bipolar make it almost impossible to discern rational thought from bipolar thoughts ruled by the current mood episode. When I’m depressed I’m convinced that everyone hates me and don’t want to be in a relationship with me, when I’m hypomanic I’m usually of the mind that my thoughts are amplified and cannot be trusted, when I sit in the sweet spot of baseline, I’m reserved not knowing what relationships are real and not so I usually sit them out.
When my friends hugged me, it felt good. There was a familiarity that got me pondering on the fact that I could rely on face value. I was building on those relationships regardless of the episodes I had been in before. They saw past my episodes, most probably did not have a clue whether I was going through one or not. We had a relationship. There is a lot to be said of the kindness of strangers. In my mind, they were strangers I knew. Social interactions are an integral part of recovery, it can also make it or break it. My struggle has always been having social interactions at all, I have heightened anxiety over initiating relationships then sustaining them, knowing there will be times I would ghost them or incessantly annoy my friends. To that point, I keep many casual surface acquaintances, a fair distance from them and keep very few meaningful relationships to myself. To my disadvantage, a lot of those relationships that I sustained are with people living hundreds of miles away from me. I found myself struggling with loneliness in and out of depression.
The recent interactions with the friends facilitated by social media got me believing something new. I was able to interact in the time of an episode, but to no knowledge of anyone, my moods shift in time. I also realized I wanted to be in those relationships, to love a friend, to feel at home. Those relationships can be sustained, it has to be very intentional and maybe I will have to fake the courage, but it is possible to foster those relationships even if there will be times that I will have to ghost. I have in the past anticipated my behavior as I understood the shifts, but I made a mistake of anticipating other’s behaviors. Giving our connections room to grow with as much nurturing as I can manage is my reality and a possible one. Having the familiarity in my world has opened it up for me, familiar faces and hugs give me satisfaction that I am doing life, that I do not have to be without relationships because I’m afraid.
I had made acquaintances of many and held them all at a distance for the fear of ultimate rejection. I was someone who knew many people but called none friends. I want for deep meaningful relationships, to share life with, to be part of their lives too. I wanted more than the like on a social media post, but I wasn’t getting there with my fear of bipolar. I needed to come at this with the dynamism that is required when dealt with an ever changing plane. I’m realizing that this familiarity I have with so many is a gift, a fulfillment of the innate need to belong. I’m intent on changing the way I process interactions, I am intent on creating lasting relationships with familiar and not so familiar faces.