No wrong cards

The darkness soothed me. My eyes relaxed, eyelids stayed shut gently. Dark with a tinge of pink from the sun I was facing. It was quiet, I felt the weight of my hands on my lap, the sound of silence interrupted by the fan blowing strands of my hair off my face. I felt the tiny tugs on my scalp from the strands pulled by the wind. My chest rising and falling rhythmically slowing down my heartbeats to a slow trot. I am alone with my thoughts, so politely whispering to me in proper turns.

I willed my thoughts to let me take the lead, to allow my voice into the room. They acquiesced, and I entered the room. I saw myself and a warm sensation so visceral fell over my body. My chest felt full, I felt a gentle squeeze, like that from an old friend, I smiled. I released into it. I was home. Here I was safe. I no longer felt pity, the intrusive guilt did not take from me.

I lay my body on the ground as I felt the soft carpet on my arms. I wanted to lay with this feeling a little bit longer. My thoughts went to why this was novel and why I wanted to hold on to it.

For the longest time I had been engulfed in self-perceptions that hurt at every turn. I had taken a turn, the right one, the one that had brought me here. What I felt was love and compassion for myself, one that I had not ever been able to obtain externally. My astoundingly loving husband has tried and it held me up for as long as I had needed. Crutches to get back onto my path.

“There are no wrong cards,” my friends and I say to comprehend the difficult and not so difficult occurrences in life. Every choice I had made with my true north in mind had led me back to this path. Choices that were made by others that affected my passage were also always part of the journey that landed me here.

 I used to believe that I wasn’t one of the lucky ones, that I didn’t deserve all that others claim rights to. My heart used to ache watching the world go around me, the sun even felt like embers on my skin, shooing me into isolation. Truth was I was healing, and healing is messy business, painful business. I was elevating myself to another stage of healing and it was starting to look beautiful, I could see a light striation coming from the other end. There was more to my life than the loops I had been in. I now believed in being, in being in the present as I could experience all of it now without judgment and the ruling by pain. Pain exists as it has always, but it is but a mere factor of my magnificent being.

I was finally on my own on my path, but loneliness did not take space here. I acknowledged myself for all the beautiful things I have become and yet to become. Good and bad no longer lived here. Things were just as they were, no matter how much I had hoped for it to be different. The cool breeze from the fan on my skin made me feel light, afloat. I had risen above the confronts and now felt whole.

Acceptance. Acceptance for trespasses of the past and for what I cannot change and allowed me room to believe in the possibility of being me. Living in the past stole the present from me time and time again. I saw it, and I recognized it, I was at peace with it all. I am healing, past the festering wound, I’m on the path promised in healing, peace. The sights here are nothing of my memories, excitement boils over inside me.

I acknowledged the warmth of the sun, the warmth that I had only recently allowed myself to receive. I started seeing the beauty in people again, there was true happiness in seeing joy in others, in celebration, in successes. With love and acknowledgement of myself, I was able to offer joy and love to others that I gave freely now. No longer was I in want for what was not mine.

 I am privileged with a life of abundance. Abundance in love, joy, happiness and adventures. I was able to now see that that I had always possessed. I had been living in a cloud of self-doubt and self-loathing that it was not possible to see beyond the fog. In healing it was as if the fog lifted and all that had been there became apparent.

I loved myself now, all of me, how I look, how I feel, what I do and what I don’t do. I am at peace. The air that filled my lungs in a deep breath let out with a sigh of bliss for who I am and who I will allow myself to become. I opened my eyes with a satisfaction for the day I had not yet had. I can see now.